Procrastination, good people, Mother Theresa, and my sucky memory...

I keep saying that I'm going to do this...and I keep not doing it. Imagine that.

We'll see how regularly I actually post, but understand this - at this point in time, I have no followers and I am perfectly happy with that. Why? Because followers make me cant my words for their ears, not for my mind, and right now I need to do this for me.

Several months ago on Facebook, I posted a status update stating that I was not a good person. I received an absolute FLOOD of responses objecting to me saying such a horrible thing about myself and that I was beautiful and wonderful and a great person...

Well, no. I'm not. I lie. I judge. I hurt people without realizing it. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I never will be. Most days I try to remember to attempt to be a better person than I was the day before, but another one of my imperfections is my memory....what were we talking about again?

Oh, yeah! How I'm not a good person.

Face it. I am NOT a good person. Mother Theresa isn't a good person. President Obama isn't a good person. My mother is not a good person. This doesn't negate my love and/or respect for any of these people (Well, maybe for Obama, but that's another story). It is just me being honest. I think it's about time that I stop holding myself up on some imaginary pedestal as a means to rationalize my failings.

I don't go running around screaming racial epithets, burning crosses, and preaching that gay folks are going to hell. I don't believe that all Muslims are trying to blow up America and should be annihilated at any cost. I don't think that the color of your skin or your sexual orientation defines how worthy of a person you are. But I DO judge people, and here is where I turn into a "bad girl".

Your physical beauty makes me feel inferior. Your intelligence, success, style, grace, financial security...all make me feel like less of a person. I compare myself to you and almost always find myself lacking, so I judge you. I search until I find something that I can point to in my mind and say, "Well, at least I don't do THAT!"

It is my internal little lost girl who will never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...and really, I think it's about time to kill her. Too harsh? Maybe I could just put her into a medically induced coma, if that is easier on your delicate sensibilities. Regardless, she needs to be silenced.

Because, instead of finding faults with your graces, I want to celebrate them. I want to celebrate my own. I should not feel that I need to be the prettiest, or the smartest, or the richest, or the whatthehellever-est...I should be okay with me as I am - a work in progress on a lifelong journey to be my best.

To that end, I say again - I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON - but I'm trying. And I will continue to try every day (that I remember to make an effort) to be a "better" person, because I don't know if I'll ever be good, but I can always be better.

Did I say that?!?

So, there I was, posting my latest and greatest little status blurb on Facebook, telling the world - or at least my tiny section of it - all about how I found it appalling that no one could write anymore. Man, I was as succinct as a literate person could be about texting language and the rules of literature and the written word...or at least as succinct as a 128 character limit will allow, anyway.

As usual, my post brought on a rash of comments, likes, and laughs...until a very good friend of mine pointed out that I was the person who taught him chat lingo, and that he learned the use and meaning of "prolly" from me. Oh, and also that I frequently imbue most of my posts and comments with my southern drawl.

Now, here I sit, laughing at myself. I could be ashamed of being so self-righteous, I suppose, but I don't "do" shame so well. Instead, I'll laugh and remember - the next time I get up on my high horse and look down on the huddled masses, well...I'm a huddled mass, too, and have apparently done my fair share of bastardizing the English language.

So shall I continue, ruining good speakers and writers everywhere with my belief that I am better than most and should educate everyone to that fact. If only my momma could see me now.....