I keep saying that I'm going to do this...and I keep not doing it. Imagine that.
We'll see how regularly I actually post, but understand this - at this point in time, I have no followers and I am perfectly happy with that. Why? Because followers make me cant my words for their ears, not for my mind, and right now I need to do this for me.
Several months ago on Facebook, I posted a status update stating that I was not a good person. I received an absolute FLOOD of responses objecting to me saying such a horrible thing about myself and that I was beautiful and wonderful and a great person...
Well, no. I'm not. I lie. I judge. I hurt people without realizing it. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and I never will be. Most days I try to remember to attempt to be a better person than I was the day before, but another one of my imperfections is my memory....what were we talking about again?
Oh, yeah! How I'm not a good person.
Face it. I am NOT a good person. Mother Theresa isn't a good person. President Obama isn't a good person. My mother is not a good person. This doesn't negate my love and/or respect for any of these people (Well, maybe for Obama, but that's another story). It is just me being honest. I think it's about time that I stop holding myself up on some imaginary pedestal as a means to rationalize my failings.
I don't go running around screaming racial epithets, burning crosses, and preaching that gay folks are going to hell. I don't believe that all Muslims are trying to blow up America and should be annihilated at any cost. I don't think that the color of your skin or your sexual orientation defines how worthy of a person you are. But I DO judge people, and here is where I turn into a "bad girl".
Your physical beauty makes me feel inferior. Your intelligence, success, style, grace, financial security...all make me feel like less of a person. I compare myself to you and almost always find myself lacking, so I judge you. I search until I find something that I can point to in my mind and say, "Well, at least I don't do THAT!"
It is my internal little lost girl who will never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...and really, I think it's about time to kill her. Too harsh? Maybe I could just put her into a medically induced coma, if that is easier on your delicate sensibilities. Regardless, she needs to be silenced.
Because, instead of finding faults with your graces, I want to celebrate them. I want to celebrate my own. I should not feel that I need to be the prettiest, or the smartest, or the richest, or the whatthehellever-est...I should be okay with me as I am - a work in progress on a lifelong journey to be my best.
To that end, I say again - I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON - but I'm trying. And I will continue to try every day (that I remember to make an effort) to be a "better" person, because I don't know if I'll ever be good, but I can always be better.
